Stop Me If I’ve Talked about Electrolysis Before…

In our last thrilling electrolysis episode, I told you I had a new electrologist but hadn’t had a session with her yet. Now I have! I’ve been with her for four months, and yesterday I achieved a milestone when she said my upper lip was “clear” for the first time.

That doesn’t mean it’s hair-free, just that all the thick, nasty hairs are gone. It will still require more work on the fine hairs, but I don’t know how much more. Electrologists are hesitant to speculate on time because they don’t know anything how long the process will take.

But she seemed very excited by declaring me clear—not talking to you, L. Ron Hubbard, go back to your crypt—so who am I to argue?

She is hitting me with a method called Thermolysis. What I did with Courtney for sixteen months was called Blend. Blend uses electricity to create a chemical reaction that kills the hairs. Thermolysis uses heat created by a high-frequency current to heat up the hair follicle to about 120° in order to murder it.

Sounds comfy, doesn’t it?

I’d hoped maybe Thermolysis would be slightly less uncomfortable than Blend (oh, you optimist, you!), and Courtney said it “probably” would be, but I don’t think it is. Pain is pain, you know, and when it’s happening to you, you can’t reason it out and evaluate it, you just want it to stop. Thermolysis is certainly hotter. What with the high-frequency current and the 120° and all. My face is very warm after a session.

electrolysis is expensiveBut let’s talk about money, no one’s favorite subject. To get my lip “clear” cost $5,370.00. I know the exact number because I have a spreadsheet. I’m that kind of crazy. That includes a numbing cream I use, and since I’ve been driving down to the valley for treatments with Kaycie, the cost of gas. It’s a 90-mile round trip, so yeah.

The thing that bugs me, though, is I had over 60 sessions with Courtney and only 15 with Kaycie, but Kaycie is mowing down the hairs like an assassin. I felt like Courtney’s work always grew back. I had faith in Courtney, but now I think I was foolish. I think I might have wasted those 60-odd hours and thousands of dollars with her and her buzzy Blend poking. But she was the only game in town. It’s surprisingly difficult to find an Electrologist. Fewer and fewer people are doing it.

But the good news is Kaycie’s Thermolysis is making up for lost time. It’s more brutal—I have tiny follicle scabs on my lip for about five days after a session. I’ve gotten over being mortified by the scabs (which Ayin says aren’t even visible, but they are! Sob!), and now I just go out with them sitting there on my face and think, whatever. I yam what I yam.

I should say, though, that while it’s painful, my deep breathing, relaxing, meditative state kind of thing that I go into makes the sessions bearable. The pain is still there, but there’s no anticipation, tension, or clinging to the pain after it happens. I just experience the pain, then it’s gone. Until two seconds later when she does it again. But I’ve almost fallen asleep a few times, which is as surprising to me as it is to you.

Of course, I also may have almost fallen asleep because I’m usually high when I lay down on the table. Only science can explain it, and science isn’t answering my calls.

So how much longer? How many more years will I go through this before I’m “clear” all over my dumb face? I don’t know. No one knows. Tomorrow never knows. On the nose. The nose knows. Yep.

Thank you for your kind indulgence. Next time I’m going to talk about politics. Ewwww!


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