Ayin and I attended my niece’s queer wedding in Illinois last week, and it was truly moving. The world is closing in on trans people, and I can’t help but believe they’re coming for the gays (and gay marriage) as soon as they finish wiping trans people from their weird, hatey world. With that in mind, it was inspiring and touching to watch my niece marry another woman. Ayin and I were both in tears, and they are a damn cute couple (with a non-binary adolescent, no less).

It’s funny, I only have two nieces and one nephew, and both nieces are queer (my other niece is also married, and it was wonderful to reconnect with her and her awesome wife at the wedding). It’s doubly funny that my niece’s parents, my brother and sister, are rabid MAGA dorks. I guess no amount of Jesus or Trump (aren’t they one in the same to those cults?) can save you from the crushing indignity and horrible embarrassment of queer offspring.

I can only assume they feel crushing indignity and horrible embarrassment, since neither parent showed up to their daughter’s wedding. I’ve talked about my father rejecting me a million times here, but it continues to baffle me that any parent anywhere would shun their own children. For any reason. Yet here we are, and it repeats endlessly in endless families. It’s yet another example of why queer and trans people can no longer separate politics from familial relationships. They won’t let us.

But it was a happy day and a happy week in Illinois, where we also got to meet up with our friends Justine and Jordan. Twice. And we flew back in first class, so that didn’t suck.

I spent a couple of hours the other day learning how to work bras that have removable cup padding. I wasn’t sure whether to wash them with the pads in or take them out (taking them out is the answer). Once they were out, I had to watch a video about getting them back in so they’re aiming in the right direction. All things I would have presumably learned as a teenager in a perfect world. I’m just having my teenage years later in life, I guess. Which is often embarrassing or alienating, but better than never having them at all.

I always removed the padding from bras that included it before, but now that I’ve found bras that fit properly, I’m kind of digging the padding. My boobies are sensitive on some days, and the padding keeps me from jumping out of my skin if I bump into something. Your boobs bump into stuff sometimes, don’t they? It’s not just me, is it? Hmm.

Speaking of boobs, I had my first mammogram a couple of days ago. For anyone who still believes trans people are in it for the novelty or on a whim or because it’s somehow fashionable, I will just say: mammogram. Okay, and electrolysis. Neither are fun nor fashionable, along with dozens of other inconveniences and miseries we deal with as trans people.

I should say as trans women, since trans men seem to start taking testosterone and get out of bed as dudes a few weeks later. I know that’s a wild exaggeration and generalization, but trans men have an easier ride than we women do. That’s just the truth of the thing. “Easier” is relative, of course, because being trans in any direction is anything but easy.

And getting your first mammogram as an old lady is not easy either. It’s low-key mortifying standing there while someone manipultes and squishes your boobies, and it may be even weirder when your old boobs aren’t exactly perky. (As mine are not. Hence the bras mentioned above.) I don’t know, this being my first time, but it has to be easier when you’re younger. Again, relatively. Since it’s kind of a sucky procedure all around.

The technician who did my pictures was nice enough, though. Strictly business, but I felt no shade or judgment, which, for a trans person, is a five-star bonus in any medical office.

I was minding my own business on Amazon this morning when a message popped up asking me if I wanted to join Vine. Not knowing what Vine is, I clicked. Turns out Vine is Amazon sending you stuff for free, and all you have to do is give honest reviews. I’m not sure why they invited me to do that; maybe they like my off-the-wall reviews. Though I tend to go for laughs more than details, maybe they appreciate that. Nah, I was probably chosen by an algorithm.

There are more than 40,000 things to choose from. Yeah, they let you choose what you review. And they send that stuff to you for nothing. It’s weird. A lot of the products are weird too, like a wiring harness that only fits a 2012 Nissan or something. But there are regular products too. After you do enough reviews, they bump you up to a tier that receives offers for better things. I don’t get it, but, you know, free stuff.

The funny thing is, Ayin and I keep saying we want to get rid of stuff. We already have too much stuff. So naturally, I signed up for something that will bring us more stuff. What can I say? I am a weak, easily led consumer of stuff. Have I said “stuff” enough times? Whatever we don’t want to keep, we can give away on Craigslist or Nextdoor, or something, I suppose.

Though dealing with Craigslist or Nextdoor people can be…trying.

Hey, look, I made the illustration for this post, such as it is. Ain’t it grand? Two thumbs up for Procreate.

WRITTEN BY A HUMAN