I guess this is going to be an annual thing now, which is good because looking back helps me realize that there have been changes that I may not otherwise notice. Originally, this blog was meant to be just for me anyway, to serve as my virtual memory. But that’s changed over the years as people have discovered it, so here we are together like old friends or people who nod at each other in the grocery store.

It’s easy to see the changes this year because replacing estradiol tablets with injections has been like trading in my Honda Fit for a temperamental European racing car. The estrogen levels in my most recent blood work are higher than they’ve ever been. Measurements and numbers can be a little deceptive, though, since the injections are every two weeks. If I get blood work done soon after the injection, the level will be higher than it would be the day before the injection.

But my body seemed to enjoy the change. It was like, Oh, you’re giving us the good stuff now? Party time! First, let’s make these boobs tender again so every time you bump into something, you can have a new experience! Which is fine, since it also means they’re growing a bit more. Shout out to my boobies for keeping up with the times.

I said that looking back helps me see changes, but it’s different with my brain. It feels like the patterns or workings of my old brain are becoming more difficult to remember. Maybe because our consciousness is all we can know, and we can’t really imagine other consciousnesses. Like, if it changes, that old consciousness kind of disappears.

That’s how it feels sometimes. Like it’s difficult to remember how I felt about this or that. Or who I was. I mean, I remember who I was, I just don’t remember how it felt to be that guy. I recently read that HRT causes epigenetic changes, altering gene activity by influencing which genes are turned on or off, which in turn leads to physical changes. So the underlying genetic code doesn’t change, but which genes are active does change.

That’s interesting, but I already knew biological changes were happening. What are our brains and bodies if not biology? But yeah, I’m not going to argue biology or my place in the biological continuum. I no longer feel the need to justify my existence to anyone.

I’m so over what anyone thinks about me. I know the truth, and more than that, I know that I can’t enlighten someone who’s lost their mind. I’ll always stand up for my rights, but I see what’s in front of me. I see how the world is at the moment. And I know that everything is temporary.

Last night, Ayin and I watched videos about the scale of the solar system and the scale of time, like all time since the universe’s creation. If you ever need to be reminded that we are literally nothing in the scheme of things, do some thinking about subjects like that.

You may be wondering, Then why do you care about things like hormone replacement therapy, Hannah? Because I may be literally nothing (or literally nothing but waves and particles and love), but this brief, sweet life is what I’ve got right here, right now.

We’re meant to live now, right? Live how we’re being or be how we’re living – something like that. Isn’t that what Sly Stone said? Oh yeah, he said, livin’ while I’m livin’, and that’s a pretty good idea (not a great song, but a good idea).

Let’s make a deal. You live up to what seems reasonable and desirable and right to you, and I will too.